So. My asexuality was a thing that crept up on me, right? Something I had to find out about and put a name to - and when I put a name to it, it felt like coming home and finally accepting myself. It was great, liberating even.
This other thing, I’m not even sure if it has a name - I honestly think using ‘gender-fluid’ would be a bit appropriative. To me, it’s just me. Y’know? It’s the way I’ve always been (even as a kid, when I threw tantrums at being forced into dresses) and I don’t really feel a need to name it or pick an identity for it.
I just feel like getting it off my chest, knowing that I now know people who may be able to, I don’t know, sympathise? Understand? I’ve been introduced to so many terms and identities and words and sexualities and so on, over the past year or so, it’s enlightening and heartening. And makes me feel a little more like I can actually say these things.
Anyone who’s actually read my ‘About Me’ page, will have spotted my small note ‘has CD tendencies’ - as in, I occasionally cross-dress. Hell, I call it cross-dressing, but in my head it’s far more ‘this is how I feel today’.
Normally, on a day-to-day basis, I don’t feel either male or female, or anything in between. I feel.. I think ‘neuter’ might be the word? Maybe?
I come across as a cisgender woman, I’ve got the kind of body people look at and think ‘woman’, right? Boobs, hips, ass, the whole shebang, and plenty of it. And I’m happy identifying as that. Despite the weight I dislike, I actually like my body, so I’m mostly good.
But, in my head, and my stomach and my chest, sometimes I’m not. Most times I feel other. Most times I feel like nothing at all. And on those days, I’ll wander around in androgenous clothing and barely even notice it.
Sometimes, I’ll feel very womanly. And I’ll notice my boobs more, and I’ll wear low-cut tops and push-up bras, and ‘feminine’ clothing and put pretty things in my hair, my ears, maybe even - if I’m really feeling it - a touch of make-up. I’ll even wear dresses and skirts.
Sometimes, and not very often, I feel like a man. These times I’ll make a conscious decision to wear my least ‘feminine’ clothing, maybe even dig out an old menswear jumper I bought in a previous man-feeling or something. Once or twice I’ve bound my chest - but with boobs as big as mine it’s damned uncomfortable. Once, I even looked into buying a binder for someone with a large chest, because my man feelings lasted quite some time, longer than I’d been used to at that point. But I tend to resign myself to feeling like a man, and looking like (what I was once described as) ‘a butch lesbian’.
Like I said, I’m not sure what to call it, considering I currently identify as a cisgendered woman, who most often actually feels neuter. I really just wanted to say it - because I’ve never outright said it before. (Or, y’know, typed it.)
So. There’s that.
(This is likely to be the only time I talk about this publicly, but if people want to bug me about it in comments, they can go ahead.)
Comments and responses:
Euclase: i’ve always called it androgynous. visually it’s maybe not? but then, i don’t think it needs to be a visual thing? it’s just that i feel quite neutral in my head most of the time, girlish or boyish or neither. but yeah, you’re definitely not alone :)
Me: I like knowing it’s not just me :) Though, I’m not sure androgyny is what I personally would use. Hrm. I’ll likely just stick with gender-fluid? Maybe. I dunno - it’s confusing. But yeah, I know what you mean about the ‘not visually’ thing - I’m happy most of the time just knowing how I feel that day, I rarely feel the need to visually declare it, and as I’m most often neutral, it doesn’t even matter anyway.
euclase: ‘androgyny’ conjures up more visuals, i think—we see david bowie or tilda swinton, say. but it’s the same as gender fluidity. wiki’s little page on androgyny is more on target than you might expect (or it was, last i was there).
Me: It does, you’re right - I think of Tilda Swinton and Elly Jackson and David Bowie when ‘androgyny’ is used. ‘Gender-Fluid’ as a term makes me think of someone’s personal story I once read, of them talking to a child about whether they were a boy or a girl and they told the child about gender-fluidity in simple terms. So it might just be personal associations made by the terms, rather than the terms themselves.
I am now reading said wiki-page though :D